There was a time when I couldn’t talk about my daughter’s birth without my throat closing and tears spilling before I could stop them.
She was born at 28 weeks.
Too early. Too small.
And everything about that season left a mark on my heart.
For a long time, the trauma sat quietly inside me. I carried it through conversations, through prayers, through silence. I avoided the topic because speaking it out loud meant reliving it. And reliving it felt unbearable.
As the years passed, motherhood didn’t get easier, just deeper. My daughter is now seven years old, and she is autistic. She is strong, brilliant, sensitive, and wonderful. She is also special needs, and loving her well requires more of me than I ever imagined I could give.
I won’t sugarcoat it. Being a mom to a special needs child is hard. It is exhausting. It stretches you in ways no one prepares you for. And because of that, the idea of having another baby filled me with fear.
I was afraid of repeating the trauma.
Afraid of another premature birth.
Afraid of another diagnosis.
Afraid of having two children with high needs and not being enough for either of them.
Most of all, I was afraid of failing.
So for a long time, I said no. Or at least, I held my heart tightly closed. I tried to control the future by protecting myself from it.
Until one day, I couldn’t anymore.
One day, I realized that my fear was louder than my faith. And I knew something had to change.
I didn’t suddenly become brave. I didn’t suddenly stop being scared. What I did was surrender. I placed every fear, every what-if, every ache into the hands of Jesus and said, “If it is Your will, I trust You.”
Not my timing.
Not my plan.
Not my control.
Just His.
And now, here I am.
God has given me the opportunity to become a mother again.
I won’t lie. I am still scared. There are nights when the worries creep in quietly, and mornings when trust feels like a conscious choice instead of a feeling. But I cling to this promise:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6
I trust that my Father knows me better than I know myself. I trust that if He has placed this new life in my care, then He also knows I can carry it. I trust that He will walk with me through this pregnancy, through the fear, through the unknown.
Like Mary, I am learning to say yes without knowing every detail. To open my hands even when they tremble. To believe that God does not call us without also sustaining us.
So today, I pray:
Mary, Mother of God,
gentle mother who carried Jesus with both wonder and fear,
walk with me.
Intercede for me as I carry this new life.
Cover my daughter and this baby with your mantle of peace.
Teach me how to trust the way you trusted,
how to say yes even when the road ahead is unclear.
Help me surrender my fears,
my worries,
and my need for control.
Lead me closer to your Son,
and remind me that God’s grace is sufficient,
even when it comes in crumbs.
Amen. 🤍
Grace in the Crumbs 
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